Study Finds Every Roof On Industrial Campus Is ‘The One Behind The Warehouse’

SATIRE / FICTION

This is an original fictional story. The characters, organizations, events and dialogue are invented.

Every building on a fictional industrial campus can be accurately described as the one behind the warehouse, according to a report released Thursday by The Daily Leak’s entirely fictional research desk.

The investigation began with a service request for a leak “on the north side, near the air-conditioning unit,” a description researchers found equally applicable to six roof sections, depending on where the person giving directions was standing.

One contact defined north as the side facing the entrance. A second explained that the entrance had moved when the tenant changed. A third clarified that everyone still used the old entrance when discussing the building, although nobody used it to enter.

Building numbers proved helpful from the access road on the opposite side of the property. From the technician’s arrival point, the numbers were concealed by a loading canopy belonging to a building that used a different numbering system.

“Once we establish which warehouse they’re behind, we should only have the other warehouses left,” the service coordinator told the fictional research team.

Participants agreed the affected area was near the HVAC equipment. The campus contains 31 rooftop units, including four described independently as the big one. The report declined to rank them.

Researchers produced a marked site plan and asked the property contact to identify the correct roof section. The contact rotated it twice, recognized a parking lot that no longer existed, and circled a building outside the drawing.

After receiving a follow-up request for a fixed reference, the contact supplied the definitive instruction that the technician should look for the white roof.